You can deal with a husband who raises his voice at you by communicating in a loving matter so that he feels heard. Alternatively, consider detaching yourself from the situation or taking some time to cool off. You may also want to establish a safe word that can be used to halt heated situations.
Having your husband raise his voice at you can be an extremely frightening and demeaning experience that often leaves you feeling helpless.
Let’s explore five potential ways that you can deal with your husband raising his voice at you.
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How to Deal With a Husband Who Raises His Voice at You (5 Tips)
Here are five ways to consider dealing with a husband who raises his voice at you.
1. Emotionally Detach Yourself When Your Husband Raises His Voice at You
When your husband is raising his voice at you, try to take a step back and look at the situation in the grand scheme of things. Try to uncover the root cause of his frustration.
You may find that the root cause of his anger is that he feels he is not respected, feels unappreciated, or feels as if he will never be good enough. Often, these feelings may stem from childhood trauma or baggage that he carries from previous relationships, work encounters, or existing friendships.
Once you’ve identified the root cause of his frustration, you will be able to respond in a manner that will calmly address the situation at hand while also inconspicuously addressing the underlying issue.
Hopefully, understanding the underlying issues will make it easier to cope and not take things personally because you know that your husband’s frustration does not solely arise from your actions.
Once you are aware of the root causes of his frustration, it may be beneficial for you to encourage him to see a licensed therapist to tackle his unresolved trauma and potentially consult a marriage counselor to find ways to improve the communication in your marriage.
Alternatively, if you have found that your husband seems to be unable to control his temper and is unwilling to change, you may find it best to tune out during these moments.
While this might sound strange, it is a way for you to protect your peace. Hearing negative things repeatedly in a loud manner can severely impact your mental health and your ability to go about your day in a positive manner.
2. Show Your Husband Love When He Raises His Voice at You
The idea of showing your husband love in a heated moment probably sounds like the hardest thing to do. However, it is not impossible.
Showing love to your husband in a time when he feels overwhelmed with emotion is possibly the best way to diffuse a situation. If you are able to show him that you hear him, he will begin to feel understood.
Your husband is likely in fight or flight mode during a heated argument. By making him feel understood, he will begin to feel safe and is likely to calm down.
You can show your husband love by acknowledging what he has said and validating his concerns without sharing your perspective, as he will most likely not be receptive to it.
Hopefully, once he has calmed down, the two of you will be able to have a calm, civil conversation.
3. Communicate Differently if Your Husband Raises His Voice
If you sense a fight coming or are discussing a sensitive subject that would usually cause some tension, it may be valuable to consider taking a different approach in how you communicate in such an instance.
The manner in which you start a conversation plays a large role in how the discussion will end.
Therefore, when it comes to sensitive topics, try to enter into the conversations in a calm, polite manner, as this will likely make your husband feel calm and more receptive to your perspective on the situation.
Begin your sentences with “I feel” while avoiding shifting the blame onto him.
Here are phrases to consider avoiding:
- “You did X.”
- “You never listen.”
- “This is your fault.”
- “If you had not done a then b would not have happened.”
- “You are so irresponsible.”
- “You act like a child.”
- “I wish I never married you.”
While these may be your genuine feelings, there are better ways to communicate your feelings in a way that will not harm the relationship going forward.
Try to tackle conflict from the perspective of “how can we come together to solve this issue,” rather than from the perspective of trying to determine who is at fault so that they can be punished.
4. Walk Way When Your Husband Raises His Voice at You
If you fear your husband may become violent when he raises his voice at you, it may be wise to leave the situation.
Additionally, if you fear you might say or do something you will regret, consider leaving the situation until you have cooled off.
However, the manner in which you leave the situation should be in a calm manner that does not exacerbate your husband’s existing anger.
Ideally, you would want to have a calm discussion with your husband where you express the fact that you feel uncomfortable when he raises his voice at you. During this conversation, you can suggest the idea of taking space to calm down during heated moments.
Be expressly clear as to what you would regard as “taking space to calm down.” Some ideas of taking space to calm down can include sitting outside, sitting in a different area of the house, going for a walk, or going for a drive.
By clarifying what you mean by “taking space to calm down,” you ensure that there is a sense of certainty as to what each of you can do when you feel frustrated and need some space.
Naturally, you want to avoid a situation where your husband makes use of the opportunity to “take some space to calm down” by going away with the boys for the entire weekend.
If you decide to take space to calm down and want to walk away during an argument, you need to verbalize that you are walking away to get some space.
Walking away without informing your husband what you’re doing and why you’re doing it is likely only to frustrate him further. Therefore, communicating your actions and intentions in such an instance is very important.
5. Get a Safe Word for Your Husband Raising His Voice at You
If your husband has moments where he is able to talk to you in a calm manner about conflicting issues, try to bring up the fact that you feel uncomfortable when he raises his voice at you.
If he is able to acknowledge that he raises his voice at you, take the opportunity to suggest the use of a safe word.
It would be ideal if the two of you could come together to choose a safe word that will automatically inform him of when you feel uncomfortable during a heated conversation.
Bear in mind that the safe word works both ways and will allow your husband to use it if he feels he is not being treated respectfully either.
Reasons Why Your Husband Raises His Voice At You
Here are a few reasons why your husband may be raising his voice at you.
Your Husband Struggles to Express His Emotions
If your husband is often quiet and hard to read, it is possible that he has bottled up his emotions and now struggles to express them effectively.
It may be that he explodes in heated moments because he does not express himself regularly.
You can assist him by regularly asking him how he feels when certain things occur so that he has an outlet for his emotions which may prevent him from raising his voice in moments of extreme frustration.
Your Husband Raises His Voice to Get His Way
Unfortunately, people often raise their voices to intimidate someone so that they can get what they want.
Your husband may be raising his voice at you to instill fear into you so that you are too afraid to object, which allows him to get his way.
Similarly, he may raise his voice if he feels he is losing an argument and wants to assert his dominance. In such an instance, he raises his voice so that you feel intimidated and back down with your arguments.
Your Husband Is Fighting the Urge to Be Violent
Your husband may raise his voice because he is overwhelmed with frustration. It may be that he would usually express his frustration through violence but restrains himself because you are a woman.
If you fear that your husband raising his voice may lead to violence, it may be valuable for you to mention these concerns to him.
Once he is aware of how you feel, he may refrain from raising his voice during heated moments because he does not want you to feel unsafe.
Your Husband Feels Unheard by You
Often, if someone is shouting, it is because they feel that what they are saying is not being acknowledged.
If your husband raises his voice during heated moments, it is possible that he feels unheard and is trying to get you to pay genuine attention to what he is saying.
Often, you may be listening without hearing what he is truly saying because you do not see things from his perspective because you are focused on your own perspective.
It may be valuable for you to consider remaining quiet and letting your husband speak in the instance when he raises his voice. By giving him the opportunity to say everything he wants to say, you are allowing him to feel heard.
Once he has said what he needs to say, you can then give your own perspective. However, to ensure that your husband truly feels heard, you should first affirm what he has said.
You can affirm his perspective by repeating what he said back to him, then commenting on the aspects that you agree on, and letting him know that you understand why he feels the way he does.
Once you have affirmed him, he will feel that he has been heard, which is likely to cause him to bring down his walls.
By doing this, you have calmed your husband down and created a safe space for you to voice your own opinions while ensuring that you are aware of his.
Your Husband Grew up in a Loud Environment
If your husband grew up in an environment where shouting and swearing were normal, it is likely that he has carried these negative behaviors into your marriage.
Your husband might be raising his voice at you if he grew up in a home where he witnessed his mom being verbally or physically abused by his dad or grew up in a community where women were viewed as inferior.
It is likely that his perspective of women is warped in a way that has made it normal for men to raise their voice at women because women are regarded as subservient to men.
Alternatively, the fact that he grew up in a home where things were often loud, and he had to shout to be heard may be the reason that he feels the need to shout to be heard now, even though his environment has changed.
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Your husband might raise his voice at you because it makes him feel powerful. Alternatively, he may raise his voice because he struggles to express his emotions and feels that he needs to shout to be heard.
If you are dealing with a husband who raises his voice at you, it may be best to tune out and take some time to cool off. Alternatively, you can be present and show him love so that he feels heard and understood.
After earning his Master of Social Work from the University of Toronto, Stuart gained experience working with families in community mental health settings and in the child protection sector. Since becoming a father himself, Stuart now works in private practice offering psychotherapy services. FatherResource is an opportunity for Stuart to share what he learns on his journey as a father with a larger audience.