It is possible that your wife hates your mother and refuses to be around her because she feels your mother excludes her, holds her to unattainably high standards, or does not respect her role as your wife and feels that your mother acts as if you are her husband instead of her son.
Your wife and your mother are both very important people in your life, so having your wife refuse to be around your mother can be extremely painful for you, especially because you love them both so much.
Naturally, having your wife hate your mother and her refusing to be around your mother puts you in a very difficult position. Establishing potential reasons why your wife hates your mother and refuses to be around her will be beneficial in you understanding why she feels like this. Once you understand the potential reasons why she hates your mother, you’ll be able to find ways to ease the tension between your wife and your mother.
Why Your Wife Hates Your Mother and Refuses To Talk To Her
Here are potential reasons why your wife hates your mother and refuses to be around her, as well as potential suggestions on how the situation can be improved.
1. Your wife feels judged and disrespected by your mother
If your wife feels like she is being judged by your mother and feels disrespected when she is around her, it may be the reason why she hates her and refuses to be around her.
She may feel as if she will never be good enough for your mother and feels that your mother holds her to an unattainably high standard that she will never be able to meet.
Of course, you love your wife for who she is and want your mother to see value in her the same way that you do. If you suspect this is the case, it may be valuable to have a discussion with your mother about how she treats your wife. Emphasize that you will not tolerate your wife being disrespected as she is your partner who you love and respect.
2. Your mother has excluded your wife and made her feel unwelcome
It is possible that your wife may feel excluded by your mother. If your mother has not made your wife feel welcome and made it clear that she is not part of the family, then it is only natural for your wife to hate your mother and refuse to be around her.
In order for your wife to feel comfortable around your mother and spend time with her, you will need to get your mother to make a concerted effort to make your wife know she is part of the family.
You may need to have a discussion with your mother and ask her to make an effort to include your wife. While she may not like the idea, she is likely to make an effort with your wife for your sake.
3. Your wife feels you side with your mother and don’t support her
In moments of conflict, it only makes sense for you to support whoever’s perspective makes more sense to you.
However, if there have been numerous incidents where you disagreed with your wife in front of your mother, and supported your mother’s perspective, it may have caused your wife to feel like you don’t support her and are teaming up with your mother to be against her.
While this is probably not your intention, this may be the way your wife perceives things. This situation can be aggravated if there have been instances where you take your mother’s side in public but then agree with your wife on her perspective when you are in private after the fact.
This may cause your wife to feel as though you cannot stand up to your mother and value her opinion over your wife’s. It may be valuable for you to expressly support your wife in the rare instances that she engages with your mother in the instance of a disagreement.
If your wife refuses to be around your mother, you will need to rebuild her trust by showing her that you support her views in other instances until she feels secure that you will have her back the next time she is around your mother.
4. Your wife feels like your mother treats you as if you were her husband
Your mother may consider you to be her go-to person when she needs anything. It may be that your father is no longer around or simply does not help her the way she would like him to. Irrespective, it may be that you fulfill many roles in her life that your wife may regard as roles to be fulfilled by a husband.
While this may sound absurd to you because you have a platonic view of your mother, it could be valuable to reflect on the relationship you have with your mother and see if there are things you do for your mother that are similar to the things you do for your wife.
If you find that there are some instances where the lines are blurred, it would be wise to put boundaries in place to ensure your wife is secure in her position and does not feel threatened by your mother. It would be valuable to have a discussion with your mother to ensure she understands that your wife is the number one person in your life.
As a husband, you naturally want your wife and mother to get along well and spend time together. If your wife hates your mother and refuses to be around her, it puts you in a difficult position as a husband and a son.
It may be valuable to reassure your wife of her role as your life partner and ensure that you put boundaries in place so that your mother treats your wife with respect and makes her feel welcome so that you can all get along nicely.
After earning his Master of Social Work from the University of Toronto, Stuart gained experience working with families in community mental health settings and in the child protection sector. Since becoming a father himself, Stuart now works in private practice offering psychotherapy services. FatherResource is an opportunity for Stuart to share what he learns on his journey as a father with a larger audience.