Does your ex-wife want you back after a divorce? When your ex-wife wants you back after divorcing you, take a big step back before replying. Allow yourself space to navigate the request with total honesty, an open mind, and the willingness to access the situation in its entirety. Answering the question; “Do I still love her?” is the first step.
You went through a divorce, either messy or amicable, and are on the mend emotionally when, out of the blue, your ex-wife indicates that she wants you back. It’s a perfect scenario to either be lured into an unhappy life again or enter a new phase of love with your ex, but you will have to ask yourself; “How do I deal with this situation appropriately?”
Some divorces are a thing of nightmare, while others are resolved in a very amicable and respectful fashion. Whatever the circumstances of your divorce, when an ex-wife makes advances to get back together again, certain questions need answering. Sliding into old habits and routines can be dangerous.
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How Do I Deal with My Ex-Wife Wanting Me Back?
Your first question may be; “What’s going on?” followed by; “How do I deal with this situation appropriately?”
Honestly, where you find yourself in life when your ex-wife pops up singing “I want you back, want you back for good,” – will play a massive role in this particular situation.
When in recovery from addiction, many 12-Step programs refer to the HOW mentality and, we believe, that can be very useful when going through this scenario:
Whatever the specific circumstances of your situation, it’s best to be honest, firstly with yourself about where you are emotionally, and secondly to the ex who is looking to reconcile. The most critical question is; “Do I still love (Am I still in love with) my ex-wife?”
I don’t know why your marriage failed in the first place. The number one reason for marriages ending in divorce is infidelity. If this is part of the reason for your divorce, it may be best not even to consider getting back together. When trust is lost, it’s very hard to regain or rebuild.
For example, if you have successfully moved and rebuilt your life to a degree where you are happy again, with or without a new partner, acknowledge this to yourself first. Loving yourself is a healthy state to be in, a state that could be in danger when an ex-wife comes back into your life.
An ex wanting to get back together again will inflate your ego and make you feel wanted again, especially if you have been single for a while, but be careful not to confuse loneliness with love. If you are happier without her in your life, then why would you even consider getting back together again?
Be brutally honest and think back to the reasons why you broke up, however painful that may be. If your divorce was a messy process filled with resentment, foul play, and angry words; you should honestly ask yourself if it’s worth the effort of possibly having to go through that again.
However, suppose your divorce was amicable, completed respectfully, and the reason for divorce was that you were at different places in your lives that didn’t complement the relationship. In that case, there could be a chance of reconciliation.
Be honest about your true feelings for your ex-wife. Don’t confuse caring for someone with loving someone. You can certainly still love someone (as a friend) without being in love with them.
Should you find that you are living a much happier life without them, don’t go messing up a good thing. Your happiness is of vital importance and if your ex-wife only detracts from your happiness instead of adding to it, your decision should be a fairly easy one.
If your ex-wife was abusive or just not a good person, and you tolerated her because you loved her – then now is the time to protect yourself from further heartache. Let her down gently but firmly.
If she’s generally a loveable person who brings the best out of you, refer to the question “Do I still love her, or better yet, do I even like her?” before committing to the possibility of getting back together again. Look, we all make mistakes and, if you truly still love her, a second chance could be best for you and her.
You should take your time answering this question honestly; your answer will probably determine if there could be a second chance. If it’s a straight no to both, instantly, let your ex-wife know respectfully.
The definition of open-mindedness is to actively search for additional evidence against your favored beliefs and weigh up such evidence fairly when available.
Look at both partners’ sides of the story before coming to a conclusion. When working through the real meat of your past relationship, you will quickly know in your heart and gut what the right thing is to do.
The mind is funny; it tends to remember good times with supreme clarity, whereas memories of unpleasantness, hurt, and generally unhappy times are pushed so far down that you need to look for them to remember them vaguely. Call it a defense mechanism of the mind.
Discussing the situation with close friends or family members will give you outside input of how other people experienced your relationship. Family and friends typically only want the best for you and will give their honest opinions about the idea of getting back together with your ex-wife again.
If you have children together, be open-minded enough to ask how the divorce affected them, and listen to their honest answers when discussing the possibility of getting back together again. This is of course only appropriate if they are old enough to understand and communicate about these feelings.
Divorce is never easy on children. Be open-minded enough to acknowledge that, if the reconciliation fails with your wife, they have to go through a breakup again imparting even more pain and confusion on them.
When children are involved, you have to make the best decision for all parties involved. Ultimately, the choice will rest with only the two parties of the relationship, but having some outside input can help you acknowledge some uncomfortable things about your past behaviours, hopefully helping you make an informed decision.
Open-mindedness is the willingness to admit your part in the divorce, acknowledge hers, and discussing how each one can address their character defects. Finding out why we react in a certain way can help us act better when triggering situations occur.
Willingness is a key factor in the whole ex-wife-wants-me-back-process. Are you willing to accept what your ex-wife has done while you were married and single? Will she be willing to accept the part of your life that you lived after the divorce, including; new friends, ex-girlfriends, and such?
Willingness can also mean that you have to dig for answers as to why she wants to reunite with you. Checking her social media can give you some clues into the change of heart if you are willing to discover uncomfortable things about your ex-wife. Certain unacceptable behavior could have escalated in the interim that you were separated.
For example, you could find that she still hangs out with some of your mutual friends. These friends may have told her that you are doing super well, which could be why she wants your back. Maybe she is seeing a better version of you, which was not seen often in the marriage.
Try to find the reasons for her change of mind, it may be anything from financial stress, missing her old life as her new one sucks, or she honestly still loves you. It would be best if you were willing to search for these answers and not take anything she says at face value.
Your ex-wife could have gone through a couple of relationships after the split. She may have realized that the grass is not greener on the other side, as could you. If you both feel the same way, then it’s something that you can build on, provided both can see past the lived life while dealing with the divorce.
If you still love each other, you need to be willing to admit it, work on past mistakes and behaviors, and commit to a new future together. Be careful to jump back onto a ship that has a history of sinking. Take your time easing yourself back into the commitment of a relationship, even with your ex-wife.
The willingness to work on a relationship, paired with honesty and open-mindedness, will enhance the chances of the relationship lasting, this time till death do you part. Be willing to ask her questions about why the sudden change of heart, and be mindful of her answers.
Most importantly, be willing to listen to your gut, heart, and feelings to show you the way forward. Don’t just jump back into your ex-wife’s life (or bed) because you are lonely or need a cuddle buddy for the winter. Only come together when love and respect are still mutually present.
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The first question is the most important. Answering the question with absolute truth; “Do I still love my ex-wife?” will be the determinant for any relationship moving forward.
If the honest answer is no, then let her go respectfully.
After earning his Master of Social Work from the University of Toronto, Stuart gained experience working with families in community mental health settings and in the child protection sector. Since becoming a father himself, Stuart now works in private practice offering psychotherapy services. FatherResource is an opportunity for Stuart to share what he learns on his journey as a father with a larger audience.