Is your ex-wife still angry after your divorce? Your ex-wife is still angry after the divorce. Her anger has become a familiar feeling throughout the experience. It speaks to the passion she had during your marriage. The sudden adjustment in mental, physical, and emotional states after the marriage ended has generated a profound emotion of wrath.
The woman you married, who once shared contagious laughter and a carefree spirit, has disappeared and been replaced with an angry and retaliative one. Even after the divorce was finalized, your ex-wife is still unhappy, and you need to deal with her attacks. How you choose to behave can affect the actions and behaviors of your ex-wife.
Knowing why she is still angry and how you can effectively communicate with her in her current state will help you diffuse the situation and come to a place of peace with each other. Nothing gets resolved when two people are angry at each other.
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Ex-Wife Still Angry After Divorce?
Anger is part of an emotional process that helps us heal. There is a reason why the 7 Stages of Grief include anger.
7 Stages of Grief:
Several factors may lead to the anger your ex-wife is experiencing/directing at you after the divorce. Unfortunately, divorce can stir up many complicated emotions, and anger is probably the longest-lasting and hardest to deal with.
Not all divorces are straightforward nor resolved amicably; some ex-wives hold resentment and anger towards you, regardless of whether the “fault” was mostly yours or came from both sides. This can be particularly true in cases of infidelity on either side.
Anger is one of the emotional healing processes, but if your ex-wife is not moving past this process, it may cause unnecessary disturbances in everyone’s life, especially your children’s (if you share any).
Remember Anger Is a Common Emotion
Remember that anger is a stage of grief and a complex emotion that needs to get worked through and may take longer for some people to process than others.
The thoughts fueling your ex-wife’s rage towards you may be that she has lost someone she loved for so long. In this way, a divorce can be similar to a death, yet harder to cope with since she must still interact with the one she has lost. Unfortunately, love is not something that you can turn off after your divorce. So, blaming you and staying angry could be a way to stay connected to you.
She may blame herself for the end of your marriage and lash out at you for it. Or she may blame you for ending her happiness.
Whatever the circumstances are, anger is something that needs to be worked through to get it out of your system and begin the healing process. Be it your fault or not, she will have to direct that anger somewhere. It is always easier to blame someone else for our mistakes than to take responsibility for our actions.
Couples that get married don’t do so with the intention of getting a divorce. Instead, they usually put all their efforts into holding the family together and having a happy life together for the children’s sake. But unfortunately, in doing so, some couples lose grip on their marriage and divorce.
When that circle gets broken, it is not just the husband and wife that suffer; the kids often get dragged into the disruptive situations that come with a divorce. At this point, she may blame you for having created this conflict in everyone’s life, no matter who was at fault.
She has unrealized dreams, any goals that the two of you had while married get terminated from one day to the next. All the goals she planned for the future have been wiped clean. That’s when she realizes her world is crumbling around her and the fight or flight reactions kick in. The very thought of having to start all over again can be daunting and fuel a spark or resentment towards you.
Feeling shame during divorce is not uncommon at all. Admitting that she has made a mistake can leave your ex feeling vulnerable and embarrassed again, fueling that anger. The fear of people’s judgments can also provoke her anger towards you.
How to Handle an Angry Ex-Wife?
Have empathy; most outbursts of anger get caused by sadness and grief. If you filed for divorce, you likely already prepared yourself for the months before your ex had a chance to come to terms with it, leaving her to catch up to you on those feelings. Having empathy may not stop your ex-wife from being angry, but it can help scale down the situation.
Keep your communications to the facts of the matter that must be discussed. Dwelling on the why and how will only fuel any anger issues burning at the core of your ex-wife’s anger.
Setting clear boundaries is essential. No one needs to be verbally abused by someone taking their frustrations out. If your ex cannot have a civilized discussion, keep your communications to text or email or, better yet, through a neutral third party like a mediator. Do not let her anger stoke yours or enter into unproductive word wars with your ex.
If communications break down totally and become fruitless, then dealing through a third party may be your only choice for civil communication.
Getting professional help is particularly important when there are children involved. No matter how bad the situation is that triggered the divorce, you will always be part of each other’s lives, and dragging the kids into the middle of the mess is unhealthy and can cause extensive trauma to your children.
Getting professional help from a therapist to help you establish respectful boundaries and proper communication can help you overcome any issue that your ex-wife/you may be having in letting go.
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How Do You Respond to an Angry Ex-Wife?
Listen and acknowledge your ex-wife’s comments. By listening to her concerns and outbursts, you may identify where the anger is coming from and how you can help her overcome her issues.
Take a break. If the situation becomes untenable, out of control, and you can no longer handle the outbursts or verbal abuse, then it’s okay to say you need a break and that once you have both calmed down, you can pick up where you left off.
Try diffusing the situation by agreeing and sympathizing with your ex-wife. When she lashes out at you, she expects a fight from you, disarming her by offering a genuine apology and sympathizing whenever possible may leave her at a loss for words.
Don’t take it personally. Anger is often a projection of one’s inner feelings, and since it is easier to blame others, she may shout out blame in your direction. Not taking her comments to heart will help you remain peaceful and neutral.
Stay calm! No matter how angry you may start to feel, remain calm. You will not overcome or resolve anything if you start to lash out and add to the out-of-control discussion.
Ex-Wife Still Angry Years After the Divorce?
You may find that your ex-wife still bears a grudge years after the divorce has been finalized and you have moved on with your life.
This is not uncommon, especially when your ex has cast herself in the role of the victim. She may feel she has been wronged and become bitter about her situation.
If your wife had sacrificed her career to stay home with your children, she may be angry about those lost years and her loss of financial security after the divorce. On the other hand, maybe it’s the fact that you moved on to a new relationship more quickly than she did; particularly if your new relationship was borne of cheating during the marriage. Perhaps it’s jealousy of your new life with a new partner that prevents her from moving forward and creating a new life for herself.
Whatever the reason, an ex-wife that has moved on and worked through her anger issues will not bear grudges and resentment towards her ex. These feelings hold us back emotionally from growing and finding peace within ourselves.
Related Reading: Will “The Love Dare” Still Work After Separation?
No matter who was at fault or the reason for the divorce, the shock of the sudden ending of a lifelong promise can have devastating effects. Working through the emotional processes is essential to survive your spouse’s anger and move forward with your life.