Should I Be Upset That My Husband Watches Porn? [ANSWERED]

You have every right to be upset that your husband watches porn if this is not something he was open about with you. If your husband was secretly watching porn, this can be seen as a breach of trust and cheating. If you and your husband are both fine with him watching porn, then it goes to stand that you wouldn’t find it as upsetting as a spouse who only discovered it later.

You may feel upset, hurt, and betrayed if you learn that your partner watches porn (especially if this is something about which you were previously unaware). You could be wondering if you played a role in him having the desire to watch porn and how you might get him to stop. There are a number of things that can be done to help change the situation.

Porn can cause a lot of damage to marriages. You may think that you’re okay with your husband watching porn when you initially find out, only to realize later that it is eating you up. It’s normal to not know what to do about it or if your marriage can survive it. However, there are ways that you can work through this together.

It is also perfectly normal to mutually agree that watching porn and exploring your own sexuality, solo, is completely fine and not only not cheating but a potential enhancement to your shared sex life. The difference is all in the discussion ahead of time and mutual respect around openness for this topic.

man on computer watching porn

Related Reading: Why Does My Husband Never Initiate Intimacy?

Is It Crazy for Me to Be Upset That My Husband Watches Porn?

Healthy marital relationships are always built on love, loyalty, trust, and mutual respect. If you have recently caught your husband secretly watching porn, the shocking discovery of betrayal may bring intense feelings of anger and confusion. Few experiences create more hurt and pain than when you are betrayed by the person who vowed to honor, cherish, and respect and loves you above all others.

The betrayal you feel can trigger overwhelming feelings of rage, among others. It can feel like your whole marriage relationship has been a lie. Simply put, you are not crazy, and being upset about something this big is natural. That feeling is genuine and legitimate, as feeling betrayed by your spouse will conjure up feelings of anger and sadness.

However, whether or not you get upset about your husband watching porn is entirely dependent on your core beliefs and values. Most women will find themselves angry because their husbands promised to be faithful.

OUR LATEST VIDEOS

Are Single Fathers Better Parents?
Are Single Fathers Better Parents?

Although he is not cheating physically, some still consider porn as cheating. Therefore, women with this belief will be upset that their husbands watch porn. On the other hand, some women have no issue with their husbands watching porn as they believe it will spice up their sex life. Some people also believe it is natural and healthy to pleasure yourself and may see porn as just a natural extension of this self-exploration.

In this regard, you wouldn’t be upset that your husband is watching porn as you believe it will benefit your marriage. Different individuals have different notions about what is appropriate in a relationship. Just because it doesn’t disturb many people doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be upset.

Pornography is acceptable to some women, who even view it with their spouses. Some ladies despise it, but they put up with it. Some people simply refuse to allow it.

How Can I Stop My Husband from Watching Porn?

If you are a spouse whose husband is watching porn secretly, without your consent, and against your wishes; it is only natural for you to be thinking about how you can get him to stop. Although the answer is difficult to hear, you cannot make your husband stop. Trying to make your husband stop against his will, will make the entire situation worse and won’t take the desire to watch porn away.

Many people believe that one of the ways that you as the spouse can put an end to this is to simply be more intimate with him and meet his needs. However, the last thing you want to do after finding out that he has been watching porn is be intimate with him because you’re hurt, angry, and feel betrayed.

You’ll also always wonder if he’s comparing you to the women he has seen. Truthfully, being more intimate with your husband will not get him to stop watching porn. However, it might help your husband decide on his own to watch porn less in the long run. Something has to change within your husband. He needs to decide that watching porn isn’t something he wants to do anymore.

Does this mean that you should learn to accept and deal with it and live with him watching porn? The resounding answer is no, not if you’re not fine with it. Although it is challenging, there are ways to strengthen your marriage to help support him in overcoming his desire to watch porn.

Realize That Your Husband Is Not a Bad Person

People watch porn for many reasons. This does not mean that what he is doing is right, but it does not mean that he is a bad person either. It will be harder for you to support him in overcoming his desire to watch porn if you think of him as a bad person for doing it.

Watching porn for him could be something that stems from a younger age and a sexual tool that he has used for years to get turned on, and he does not know to feel desire without it. Your husband watching porn does not mean that he no longer loves you or that you are not good enough anymore. It may be hard to believe while you’re going through this.

Communicate How You Feel About Him Watching Porn

As with most things, talking to your husband should be the first step. How you communicate your feelings to your husband will depend on whether or not he knows that you know that he has been watching porn.

If he has been hiding that he watches porn, the best way to approach him is calmly instead of making him feel attacked. This approach prevents his defenses from being raised, and he will be more willing to talk openly and honestly. He will be less likely to have an open conversation with you if this turns into a huge fight.

Let him know that you found his stash or noticed some websites and are just wondering what is happening and the reason behind it. Ensure that this is like any other normal conversation, as your husband may not know that you believe there’s anything wrong with what he is doing. If this is the case, moving forward will be more difficult as he likely does not believe what he is doing is wrong.

Focus on letting your husband know how it makes you feel and not attacking him. Be forthright and tell him that perhaps it makes you feel undesirable, not good enough, etc. Let him know that you prefer he come to you instead so you can both figure out how to get him what he needs.

Be Understanding and Empathetic to His Situation

If you find out that your husband is aware that what he is doing is not right, but he is finding it difficult to stop, be understanding and empathetic. Although you are well within your rights to be upset instead of soft and understanding, doing the opposite will make him build walls around himself and refuse to talk to you about it.

He will also be less willing to make any changes over time that will help him to stop watching porn. Trying to understand what is causing your husband to watch porn and figuring out the why behind his actions makes you his ally and not his enemy.

It may be difficult hearing your husband explain. Still, if you want him to openly talk about it, you must refrain from attacking him for what he willingly shares with you. Doing this will make it easier for the two of you to work as a team to move forward and overcome this problem in your marriage.

However, suppose you absolutely cannot handle hearing all about why he watches porn. In that case, you can always encourage him to find a mentor or a friend or family member with values that will encourage and help him stop watching porn.

There are also many support groups that he can join that will benefit him. This way, you can be the support and encouragement he needs without knowing all the tiny details.

Build Accountability and Set Boundaries in Your Marriage

Building Accountability is one of the most critical factors that can help your husband make significant progress and stop watching porn. Set boundaries together and hold him accountable or find someone he trusts that will keep him accountable.

A great resource that can be used is Covenant Eyes. This is software you can put on phones, computers, etc., in your house. Once this software is installed, it has a screen monitoring feature that is impossible to bypass.

This software will help your husband stay true to the boundaries you both decide to set and make it difficult for him to not be accountable. It will help to place accountability in your marriage.

Go For Counseling

If a frank and nonjudgmental talk fails to solve the problem, you should both seek help from a 3rd party. If all else fails, the next step is to go for counseling. When you face this issue with professional assistance, you have a better chance of unraveling its nuances.

It is better to go together to work out the problems together and be on the same page. However, if that is not possible, you can go separately and work on yourself. Excessive watching of pornography is frequently a symptom of a more significant problem.

Many men say they view porn to relieve stress, avoid getting rejected by their partners, and indulge in secret fantasies. Whatever the problem, the most important thing is to find a healthy solution.

Understanding will help, but if neither partner can find a method to make the other feel secure and loved, the marriage will be jeopardized by pornography. There is hope that by working through this, your husband will become aware of the considerable effect his watching porn has on you and your marriage.

Here Are Some Reasons Why Your Husband Might Be Watching Porn

You may be wondering why your husband is looking at porn when he has you. Sometimes it is difficult to figure out why your husband finds porn enticing. This generally differs from husband to husband, but there are some common reasons why married men watch porn. Here are some reasons that could help you understand so you can work through this.

1. Men Can Compartmentalize Different Areas of Their Life

It isn’t uncommon for most men to compartmentalize their lives, more so than for women. This means that they believe that the different parts of their life, such as work, hobbies, family, etc., don’t necessarily interact in their minds.

Therefore, due to this mindset, they are more likely to easily believe that one area of their life does not have to impact the other areas. In the case of him watching porn, he may think that this one area does not affect the other area, which is his relationship with you. If you have previously communicated the fact that you do not like porn, then this is false, as him watching porn will affect how you feel and your relationship with him.

2. Your Husband Won’t Want to Give Up the Feelings Porn Invoke

There is also likely a war of wills within your husband. He truly loves you, but he may also love what porn does for him. Porn tends to make men feel powerful, young, alive, attractive, adequate, etc. Therefore, he may want it both ways but hating that him watching porn is causing a rift between the two of you. However, he does not want to give up how porn makes him feel. 

In a way, porn, compared to being intimate in real life, is safer for men. This is because it is more like a fantasy for men, so they don’t have to think about anyone else’s needs but their own. They also face no risk of being rejected.

3. Watching Porn Has Become a Habit for Him

Neurologically, it is possible that your husband has built up a habit in his life and has trained his brain on how to respond sexually. Being intimate with you might not be giving him the same excitement and feelings. Studies have shown that men who start watching porn from a young age are more likely to be profoundly affected and cling to the habit throughout their lives.

4. Watching Porn Has Created a Vicious Cycle He Can’t Break

Sex is a short-term fix for many guys suffering from anxiety, despair, insecurity, or tension. The issue is that pornography has been demonstrated to amplify these unpleasant emotions. Your husband may be watching porn to relieve stress or deal with whatever is going on in his life.

It works as endorphins are released, but only for a brief period. Feelings of humiliation and even remorse, on the other hand, follow. This only leads to your husband feeling increasing anxiety. And now he’s back where he began. If your husband is stuck in a negative cycle, it may be difficult for him to see how to break free.

5. Your Husband Could Want Some Variety

The desire for variety is another reason why married guys view porn. Men have sexual fantasies that they know their spouses will not be interested in being a part of. Therefore, because guys still have fantasies like these, they feel the need to address them in some way that will make them feel like they are still faithful.

As a result, some individuals believe that a married guy in a stable relationship who understands the difference between virtual and actual sex with a woman he loves cannot be harmed by a few rare pornographic views.

Will My Husband Watching Porn Damage My Marriage?

Now that you know being upset about your husband watching porn is a normal, justified reaction, you might wonder about the damage it can cause to your marriage. There is a lot of research on the damage that porn can cause in a marriage. Here are some of the ways porn can negatively impact your relationship.

Secrecy Created Can Create Distance Between the Two of You

The number one way porn can impact your marriage is secrecy. Generally speaking, your spouse will keep the fact that he is watching porn to himself. That secrecy hurts the intimacy and trust that you have in the marriage.

He is not trusting you with his porn secret and what his true feelings and thoughts about sexuality are. This builds and keeps a distance between you, mainly if you have brought up how you feel about it, and he still chooses to maintain it. Porn feeds isolation. As the spouse of someone who secretly watches porn, you will feel lonely and neglected.

Porn Creates Unrealistic Expectations

Guys forget that actual sex isn’t the same as the internet’s neatly scripted scenes. As a result, they develop unrealistic sex expectations and a distorted perception of what a sexual partner must look like, what they should be willing to do, etc. All of these are expectations that will never be fulfilled.

Continue Reading: Should I Divorce My Gambling Addicted Husband?

Conclusion

Whether or not you’re upset that your husband is watching porn depends on what you are comfortable with within your marriage. Although porn can be used healthily, it may still have detrimental effects and can ruin marriages. Fear not, as there are ways you and your husband can get through it.

Skip to content